Til You Make It
by eternitysky
Summary: Blaine's musings on Kurt's transfer. /He was disappointed in himself because at some point, Kurt's battle had become his own/


Disclaimer: I don't own Glee.

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Harsh sunlight fell across the outdoor track field at Dalton academy. Blaine found no beauty in the sun's reflection on the bronze leaves scattering campus, nor did he find the crisp breeze refreshing as he positioned himself at the starting line.

Ready, set-

Blaine launched off immediately at the whistle's blow, under the watchful eye of his track coach. While Blaine usually found this routine calming, the sound of his solitary, controlled breaths and footfalls only encouraged his mind to reel.

Kurt had transferred.

Blaine really liked Kurt. He connected with the other boy like he'd connected with few other people in his life. It went beyond mutual understanding over a few shared experiences and he could hardly grasp their relationship himself. Being around Kurt made Blaine happier than he had been in a long time. So a part of him was ecstatic about the boy's transfer.

However, the conditions of his transfer made Blaine's stomach churn with guilt and disappointment.

He wasn't disappointed in Kurt for leaving a situation which was no longer safe, but in himself.

He was disappointed in himself because at some point, Kurt's battle had become his own.

Blaine quickened his pace, breath coming more rapidly, legs pushing and muscles straining under the tension.

He'd recognized the fact that he was living through Kurt, attempting to compensate for his own failure, for his own inability to stand up for himself. Maybe, he thought, if he helped Kurt defeat his bullies he would somehow be redeemed for being unable to stand up to his own, and it wouldn't weigh on his conscience anymore.

It became another chance to prove he was strong enough to stand up to his tormentors.

Both Wes and David had warned against it, they had both said that winning Kurt's battles wouldn't help him get over his own issues. He'd brushed them off, but deep down knew they were right.

A sharp pain shot through Blaine's knee as continued to speed up and the world seemed to blur around him. An old injury was acting up. He ignored it moving his legs even faster until he barely felt his feet connect with the ground.

Courage. It was laughable he could give such advice to Kurt when he never had the courage to stand up to his own tormentors. He let his tormentors win and ran with his tail between his legs; chose to bury the issue instead of confront it.

Looking back on it, it was a given that Blaine's ill-placed advice, advice he had never personally put into action, would make Kurt miserable.

His conscience weighed heavy with the fact. He understood that he was largely responsible for tearing Kurt away from his friends, his family and his Glee club.

Blaine was afraid that Kurt would have problems at Dalton.

Blaine had never wanted to stand out; he just wanted to melt into the shadows and be left alone by the people who bullied him. Dalton fit him well because it allowed him to blend in so easily.

But Blaine admired Kurt's unapologetic individuality; he shone so brightly, he stood out with his strong opinions and his creativity. He wasn't sure Kurt would be able to simply blend in.

He didn't want Kurt to suppress his explosive individuality but he also didn't want him to be miserable at Dalton.

Blaine's coach had to call his name several times before he realized he'd ran about 100m past the finish line.

He came to a sudden halt, nearly tripping over his own feet, panting and out of breath. Blaine backtracked to his coach, who furrowed his brow.

"You beat your personal record," he frowned, looking at Blaine as he lay down on the grass, trying to regain his breath, "but you can't run like that, Blaine." He crossed his arms over his chest, "there was no consistency in your pace and you barely stayed in your own lane."

Blaine remained silent, closing his eyes as his breath calmed.

"If you're not careful, you'll hurt your knee again." The man sighed, looking at Blaine's unresponsive form. "Take ten minutes, catch your breath and go get your brace. We can't have your knee giving out again before the regional meet."

With that, his coach turned around and walked back into the gymnasium.

Blaine's heart pounded in his ears and he shielded his watering eyes, as if from the sun.

He continuously let down the people he cared about.

He thought of his parents who cried and cried when he came out to them, shattering their hopes for his future. He had failed them at being the son they wanted.

He thought of his first and only girlfriend who had also cried when she confessed her love for him and in return he confessed the truth he had known all along. He had mortified and used her in a way that he couldn't quite forgive himself for.

And he thought of Kurt, who was so brave and so strong. Of course Kurt would follow his advice, even if Blaine didn't really know what he was talking about, even if Blaine was possibly the worst person he could have gotten advice from on how to handle bullies. And it was because of him that Kurt was so sad and it was because of him that Kurt had cried and hadn't felt safe at his old school.

He finally opened his eyes and stood up, slowly rotating his knee to check for any damage. It seemed okay, so he followed the route his coach had made a couple of minutes earlier.

Before he entered the gymnasium, he composed himself, walking in with his usual confident stride.

Maybe he would eventually feel as confident as his gestures and as his words. Maybe he would eventually find peace with his decisions and mistakes.

After all, fake it til you make it, right?

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a/n: I think most portrayals of Blaine make him far too confident and sure of himself. I don't think he is. He has a lot of issues that he hasn't dealt with.

This was just an exploration into one of his most vulnerable moments but not his whole philosophy and personality.

I believe that Blaine tends to be very hard on himself and it can become extremely destructive when he feels down; and I would imagine he would feel down if Kurt had been unable to stand up to his bully; it not only made him fail as a friend but also reflected on his own situation. So what he says isn't objective truth but his own raw and ugly emotions.

I also don't like the villainization of Dalton; they're not robots, but the school does make a point of uniformity which Kurt has struggled with because of his explosive personality.

I am also a big supporter of Klaine and really, really think and hope it will happen. I hope that when they do get together, Blaine's reasoning for taking so long will be beyond 'I didn't want to make it hard for you'.

Please tell me what you think


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